span style="font-style:italic;">Writing clear, direct English is particularly important in a business context. Please rewrite the following item; there are many different but correct ways of doing this.
It has been found by the advertising department that in many instances the customary practice of offers of a freegift as an incentive to customers have been loss leaders, and that insufficient revenues have been generated on account of the fact that the gifts have not been seen to be a sufficient promitional incentive.
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4 comments:
The advertising department found that practice of offering a free gift to customers have been loss leaders, and revenues have shown that giving the gift as promotional incentive has been insufficient.
Irena: That's an inmprovement, but you still have passive voice verbs and an agreement issue;-)
The advertising department finds that practice of offering a free gift to customer is loss leaders, and revenues show giving the gift as promotional incentive is insufficient.
Irena: Good, you have got rid of the passive voice--note that you need "the practice"; you changed the verb so that the agreement issue is solved, but you changed the verb tense--now you also need to change the following structure to make it "a loss leader" and "a promotional incentive".
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